Team Itachi
by YAXON
Summary: After watching Shisui die, Itachi decides that both the Uchiha and the village higher-ups are being stupid, so he sets out to rectify their inanity. A round of Tsukuyomi for everyone! The crack is strong with this one. One shot.
"When I tried to stop the coup d'état with the Kotoamatsukami, Danzo stole my right eye. He doesn't trust me. He intends to protect the village his way, no matter what it takes or how it looks. I suspect he'll come after my left eye as well. So I want to give it to you before he has a chance." Here, Shisui plucked out his remaining eye and held it out to Itachi. "You're the only one I can count on, my best friend. Please protect this village… and the honor of the Uchiha name."

Shortly after he said this, after Itachi accepted his eyeball, Shisui leaped off the edge of the cliff into the raging waters below. Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan was awakened as a result of this suicide. In one universe, Itachi remained cool as a cucumber, despite how traumatic the whole experience was. He went on to massacre the Uchiha Clan under the Hokage and Council's directive, and went on to join an organization bent on hippy world conquest to keep tabs on them for the Hidden Leaf. Itachi would later on commit suicide by younger brother and die a relatively happy (if a bit gory) death. In other words, Itachi sucked it up and followed orders unquestioningly. He died a "real" shinobi's death.

That universe is the next one over. In this universe, Itachi did not suck it up, despite his infinite Hokage-like wisdom. Hey, he was thirteen and just lost his best friend, cut him some slack. But no. Itachi did not take this lying down. Shisui's death ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back. The Uchiha and the village leadership had been walking on eggshells around each other for years now.

And Itachi was **just. so.** _ **sick**_ **. of it.**

There would be no "massacre" on his watch. There would be no war, internally or otherwise. He was not going to be cowed into picking a side. He was **Itachi Uchiha** , bitch. He was already a trained killer by the time most kids _dreamed_ about entering the Ninja Academy. There was no right or wrong side in this petty squabble. The Uchiha _were_ being mistreated by the village. However, they in turn were planning a fucking coup d'état (a self-fulfilling prophecy if Itachi ever saw one). How else was village leadership supposed to respond to that?

Of course, the village leadership's plot to eradicate every last Uchiha down to the elderly and the babies was simply way out of line. Yet the Uchiha were planning to do the same to gain control of the village. _Both sides were misguided_.

So Itachi was on Itachi's side. And he would be rectifying the universe's lenience on the stupidity of the Uchiha that were planning village domination and the stupidity of the Hidden Leaf's leadership, 'no matter what it took or how it looked'.

* * *

"Itachi… You have a choice in front of you. You can side with your traitorous clan and die ignobly, or you can fight for the village and kill your clansmen." Danzo said with an impassive face as the pair of them stood between two statues in Root's underground base. He was _not_ looking at Itachi as he said this… more's the pity, since he decided to keep putting his foot in his mouth. "If you will slaughter your clan down to the last, I will ensure that little Sasuke remains unharmed. He will continue his Academy education, and…"

Danzo paused in his lengthy, threatening speech as an indescribable feeling of _dread_ washed over him. He hadn't felt anything approaching fear ever since the Nine-Tails' attack a few years back… which was bizarre, because what could possibly be so threatening down here in the sanctity of his beloved underground Root Base? Itachi? The boy might be a prodigy in his own right, but Danzo was a _war veteran_. He could subdue the boy whenever he so chose.

Moreover, he had an army down here backing him up. … Well. Okay. Root had downsized because of the Nine-Tails' attack and so they were still getting back up there in numbers, but still. Itachi would be nuts to tangle with a war veteran and a number of elite Anbu.

"Itachi...?" Danzo slowly turned around and looked at the boy who looked as impassive as ever… with a demonically glowing pair of Mangekyo Sharingan staring right at him. Danzo was out like a light. Itachi only very briefly glanced down at the "esteemed" elder before spamming Tsukuyomi on all the Anbu that were now rushing him for knocking out Danzo.

Pretty soon there was a plethora of unconscious men in the underground Root Base. Save for one quivering man in the corner, who was adopting the "if I can't see Itachi, he can't see me" approach. When several silent minutes had passed, the "elite" Anbu dared to look up in the hope that Itachi was finally gone.

That was his mistake, and his girly shrieks testified to that. Then his unconscious body thumped on the ground.

* * *

 _"For the next seventy-two hours, you will suffer the worst pain imaginable."_

Danzo outright sneered at Itachi's confident voice. He was a war veteran! There was no physical pain out there that could make him "suffer". Itachi could bring him to the point of near-death over the course of these "three days", and he wouldn't bat an eye; he'd been through much worse, battling against the likes of Hanzo, Onoki, and the Raikage in the Second and Third World Wars.

Danzo was the master of his own fears. … Which is quite strange, because not two seconds into his "torment", and he was already screaming, "IT'S NOT POSSIBLE" and similar such things. But how else was he supposed to react to the horrible, traumatic images of Root – _HIS Root_ , elite soldiers trained from a young age to kill, kill, kill – going door to door in cute little Girl Scout uniforms (the only part of their Root uniforms leftover was the masks, and even then, their new uniforms made the masks look more adorable than frightening or intimidating) and asking if the denizens of the Hidden Leaf wanted to buy Girl Scout cookies.

 _"Only seventy-one hours, fifty-nine minutes, and fifty-seven seconds to go…"_

* * *

As Danzo and his elite soldiers shook their heads and mumbled in their sleep clearly disturbed, Itachi smiled benignly and set about carrying out his second task for coming down here. Removing the bandages from the right side of Danzo's face, Itachi reached down and plucked out the eye from the slumbering, disturbed geezer. Didn't matter that he wasn't a medic-nin, Shisui had plucked out his own eye and managed to keep it in mint condition (if not a bit bloody), so Itachi could do the same miraculous procedure here.

He then summoned the crow that was safekeeping the eye that Shisui had given him, gouged out the bird's other eye, and implanted Shisui's second Mangekyo. … Itachi had to admit, the bird looked a little weird with two human eyes – kinda like its eyes were bugging out – but otherwise, Shisui's Mangekyo seemed to be perfectly preserved.

Itachi then dismissed the crow and moved onto his third task. Despite the very real possibility that they would become prime blackmail material, Danzo had kept meticulous records of all of Root's missions – past, present, and future requests – for the purpose of reminding himself of all they had done, were currently doing, and would be doing. After all, when you take on missions that could ignite a Fourth War, the only sensible thing to do was keep note of them so that you could realistically pin the blame on some other nation.

Wouldn't it be a shame… if such meticulous records were released to the public…?

* * *

"Lord Hokage."

Hiruzen looked up from the paperwork he was filling out (because you know that's a Hokage's favorite pastime) and saw Itachi, clad in his Anbu uniform, kneeling before his desk.

"Ah, Itachi-kun. What is it?" Hiruzen asked kindly, secretly hoping that it wasn't something that forced him to take preemptive action against the Uchiha Clan…

"You may continue to negotiate with the Uchiha at your leisure. You will not be pressured into anything by your advisors anymore."

Hiruzen smiled wryly as he shook his head. Oh, how he wished that was the case, but Danzo would just keep calling for their heads, and his paranoid former teammates would rally behind him because that was the safest action to take.

"I wish that was so, Itachi-kun, but they will not give up so easily…" Hiruzen trailed off as he spied a subtle glint in Itachi's eyes that was bordering on mischievous. "What have you done…?"

"The situation is in hand." Itachi plainly remarked, turning his head slightly to the side. "Every time your advisors step out of line, they will be hit with my Tsukuyomi. I will soon be employing the same tactic on my father and those who favor the coup d'état. There are more who are open to negotiation than you think; my mother, for one, is borderline. She simply sides with father because that is her duty as his wife."

Hiruzen sighed and almost went back to filling out the exceedingly droll paperwork. But then he registered the first half of Itachi's explanation.

"Wait. Itachi, you can't do that… We need to allow everybody the right of free will, no matter how asinine or idiotic they are being! This will set a horrible precedent…!" Hiruzen twitched as Itachi dispersed into a flock of crows. A Shadow Clone. Honestly, he could stop the boy. He was the Hokage. But that ran the risk of being hit with Tsukuyomi – if Itachi had indeed acquired the Mangekyo in some way. And he had no intention of suffering the worst pain imaginable, so… it was best not to risk it. There was nothing to be done; best to just allow Itachi a loose hand in this. He certainly wasn't going to get mind-fucked. Nope. "Well shit."

* * *

 _\- Several months later… -_

Fugaku Uchiha had a faraway look in his eye as he mechanically walked home from the police station. Just another exhaustive day… with his eldest son keeping a keen, glowy red-eyed glare over his shoulder, watching every little thing he did. He was still watching Fugaku even now, as he walked home.

He had long since learned the futility of resistance. The first night Itachi came home and declared that he was tired planning to overthrow the village, Fugaku had outright laughed. His son finally found his funny bone! But oh, he should have known better. Itachi had indicated in the past that he was not in favor of the coup d'état, even if he didn't come right out and say it. Because saying that out loud to the guy who was leading this coup was tantamount to suicide. If you were loyal to the clan, then you were dissatisfied with the village's treatment of you and your brethren. That was just how the world worked.

But no. No, Itachi was dead serious. Fugaku found that out when Itachi used Tsukuyomi on him for the first time. Fugaku didn't know how Itachi obtained the Mangekyo Sharingan, and he wasn't going to mobilize an investigation into it anytime soon. Shisui had been missing for months, but… perhaps he was just on holiday. Yes. Fugaku virtuously ignored the fact that Shisui and Itachi were well-known 'best friends' amongst the clan. To get the Mangekyo you had to kill your best friend, or so clan lore led you to believe.

So Shisui was on holiday and Itachi had acquired the Mangekyo through unknown means. Nothing suspicious at all.

After Itachi had traumatized him thoroughly with Tsukuyomi for the first time, Fugaku thought he would mercifully stop there. That he could get the others to plot the coup without him. Oh, how wrong he was…

* * *

 _Flashback_

"So, uh… How about that coup, eh?" An Uchiha with flowing brown hair asked of the sixty or so clansmen that congregated to the secret meeting place under the Nakano Shrine.

No women tonight, for some reason. Those bogus rumors of Lord Fugaku's eldest son snapping and hitting him with Tsukuyomi must have gotten to them. Only the boldest and manliest of would-be traitors of the village came out here tonight.

"I still say we capture the Nine-Tails' brat and squash the bastards!" Yashiro said rather petulantly. Several of his kin looked at him as if he were an idiot. Which he was.

"Lord Fugaku said nothing good lay down that road, dude." Inabi shook his head. The fact that the boy was the only living progeny of Kushina Uzumaki, who so happened to be the best friend of Mikoto, his wife, may or may not have had something to do with Fugaku's wariness…

"What if we just pissed the brat off and turned his murderous rage on the village higher-ups?" Teyaki suggested. That one time a member of T&I had confiscated one of the Uzumaki's birthday presents was legendary. Poor, poor Ibiki.

Inabi pinched the bridge of his nose.

"… No. Now, let's talk about Yashiro's suggestion in regards to poisoning the village's waterwor…" Inabi stopped suddenly spotted a glowing pair of orbs in a dark corner of the secret meeting place. "What's that?"

Some people managed to scream as they all turned as one and made out the faint silhouette of Itachi in the darkness. But more often than not, they made eye contact unwillingly and started dropping like flies. All sixty of them. With the coup plotters all Tsukuyomi'd, Itachi took his leave and returned to the village hospital.

Danzo wasn't going to haunt his own bedside, after all.

 _Flashback end_

* * *

Indeed. Even with just those instances alone, Itachi had acquired quite the sadistic reputation amongst the Uchiha Clan and apparently among the village higher-ups (Fugaku wasn't sure of the validity of the rumors, but in this instance, he was going to take them with the whole damn shaker of salt). But he. Just. Didn't. Stop. If _anyone_ hinted at possibly going through with the Coup, _BAM_! Tsukuyomi La-La Land.

Fugaku was forced to negotiate with the Hokage and end all the tension without getting vengeance for the village mistreatment of the Clan. A negotiation that lasted about five minutes, because Itachi was practically right behind the Hokage, and so was in the perfect position to hit Fugaku with Tsukuyomi if he haggled for too long. The terms ended up being simply Fugaku's word that they wouldn't try and take over the village, while Hiruzen promised that his advisors wouldn't stir up any more trouble.

After all, it was all _their_ fault it had come to this at all. Lord Hokage had been trying to negotiate from the beginning.

Oh, and the Anbu would be withdrawn from the Uchiha Clan grounds. No threat of coup, no need for further surveillance. Not like they needed the threat of Anbu… Hell, ordinary Anbu would be preferable to Itachi. Itachi was a one man, mind-fucking army.

And that wasn't a good thing.

"Hi, honey," Mikoto greeted Fugaku soothingly as he entered the kitchen of their home. He almost forgot about Itachi's intimidating presence behind him. Almost.

"I'm… fine." Fugaku said with sagging shoulders. Shortly thereafter, young Sasuke ran into the kitchen with an infectious grin on his face.

Well… it would be infectious, if Fugaku didn't feel so… drained.

"Itachi! Itachi! Let's go train!"

Fugaku stiffened a little, daring to hope that maybe, just _maybe_ he could be allowed a brief respite from Itachi's presence…

"Why don't you ask father? I'm sure he would be happy to spare some time from his busy schedule. Wouldn't you, father…?"

Sasuke looked confusedly between his dad and Itachi as his dad broke into sobs. There'd been something really weird going on lately, but Sasuke just couldn't place his finger on it. For some reason, his dad was more willing to train him as of late; like, before he would get home real late more often than not, and was therefore unable to help Sasuke in his training, but now the man was back before he got out of school…

And was it just him, or was his dad crying a lot more than he used to? Adults could sure be weird sometimes. Thank Kami his mom wasn't like that. She was kickass, unlike his crybaby dad.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a standard retirement home in a distant corner of the village, three elderly citizens sat in recliners. Well. Danzo was sitting. Koharu kind of had her knees drawn up to her chin and she was rocking back and forth, with Homura patting her shoulder consolingly.

"I love my life, I love my life, I love my life…" Koharu muttered frantically to herself, not feeling comforted at all by Homura.

Danzo just looked grumpy with his pair of normal eyes and lack of Anbu bodyguards. Hiruzen had assured him when the three of them were forced into retirement that they wouldn't _need_ Anbu bodyguards. They were respected, venerable Elders, and no one would ever attempt to truly hurt them.

Merely throw rotten fruit when he walked out and about because of all of Root's dealings being published for the public to see. But sometimes Danzo would get bruises, because some people would throw rotten potatoes instead… Homura and Koharu got off lucky. They just received the occasional glare for going along with his decisions so often.

But every now and then, Danzo swore he saw a crimson-eyed phantasm lurking outside his bedroom window. He knew he wasn't imagining it, so he'd simply… given up his machinations. No offing the Uchiha. No supplanting the Hokage. No more traumatizing children. Danzo Shimura was now retired officially and unofficially, and he was not happy…

* * *

 **Author's Note: This came about after reading "The Imprint" by MogtheGnome. I don't care that it was written before we all knew about Itachi's secret mission… That was** _ **gold**_ **. I sooo wish he'd continued that fic, 'cause that's one of the finest crackfics I've read. Period.**

 **Out of respect, I didn't steal his idea so much as I made Itachi snap… 'Cause that's always fun. XD This wasn't nearly as well-done, but I hope you enjoyed it a little. Consider this advertising for MogtheGnome's fic, if you didn't find this very funny. :P**


End file.
